Always A RemusSeverus Songfic
by SweetWillowTree
Summary: Songfic to Always by Saliva about the long and painful relationship between Remus Lupin and Severus Snape. Slash. Set in 1975, 1980, 1993, and 1997.
1. Prologue

**Authors Note: This is tentatively the prologue to a songfic that I'm working on to the song "Always" by Saliva. Neither the song, nor the characters, belong to me. I just play with them because I'm emo lately. Please review and let me know if you would like to see the rest, because I'm a little unsure about my portrayal of these particular characters.**

**Thanks!**

PROLOGUE

JANUARY 1975

Severus Snape was confused, irritated, and, as much as he hated to admit it, a little afraid. For two weeks, Remus Lupin had made his way to the library at the same time every day, without his friends, and sat next to him silently. Neither of them had ever said a word during their nightly studying, and neither of them had made reference to it once they'd left either.

Finally, Severus' curiosity got the better of him, and he flipped his book shut. He noticed that Lupin had briefly flicked his eyes in his direction, before concentrating once more on the page in front of him.

"What are you playing at Lupin?" Severus said, his voice deepening maliciously when he had to say the other boy's name.

Lupin looked at him and tried to shrug the question away, but Severus was having none of it. Why would Remus Lupin, one of his tormentors, spend every night with him for no reason? This could not end well.

"I know that you're planning something. You, and your idiot friends… Forget it. I'm onto you."

A sigh. "It isn't anything Snape, I swear. I just… I decided that I wouldn't let this continue." At a glance from the other boy, he explained further. "Things have been happening, in the outside world, this Lord Voldemort, and… I decided I need to change things here. I swear there is nothing else going on, I'm just sitting here. If you want me to move, I will."

Severus said nothing, choosing to simply open his book again.

**************

Over the next three months, they spoke a little more, and tentatively formed a strained bond… More of a reluctant acquaintance than anything, at first.

Both of them had thought it odd that they got along so while after the awkwardness had faded. Remus felt that he needed to get away from his best friends sometimes, just to talk and be calm. Severus had never had any close friends, and simply being able to be, without having to prove anything was comforting.


	2. 1975

**Author's Note: Ahhh... The melodrama. I'm really really iffy about Severus, so any comments that anyone has about the portrayal would be greatly appreciated. I will take lack of reviews as "Wow! This is perfect!", if only to boost my self-esteem. The song and the characters are not mine, and this story deals with a male/male relationship (nothing graphic at all, just references), and angst! **

**P.S.: I love the songfics, but I always feel like I suck at writing them, so I apologize in advance. Also, if anyone knows of some good ones, please give me a heads up. :)**

MARCH 1975

"Are you absolutely sure you… I don't want you to feel obligated to… Just because _I _said something, doesn't mean that you need to…"

"Remus, you know me better than this. Were I… uncomfortable with the arrangement, you would be well aware."

A sigh and a smile.

"Y'know Sev… Not to sound melodramatic, but this is… Well, it's like out of a story, an epic sort of love story." Remus blushed.

Severus cocked an eyebrow. "That's horribly sappy you know." He paused, then continued, a sarcastic tone to his voice (_surprise, surprise_) "Indeed… All of the storybooks are filled with gay wizards."

An eyeroll from Remus. "I meant about the Houses, and our friends hating each other, and…"

"I understand. It certainly is different. I'm almost curious about how your friends would react…" Remus eyes flew open, and Severus winked at him. "But then, my survival instinct kicks in…"

Neither of them pushed for information in the others' life, and it was perfect. Or, as perfect as a secret illicit teenage relationship could ever be…

SEPTEMBER 1975

Severus understood that Remus would want to spend time with his friends. He never quite understood why, but he knew that the other boy needed to, and he grudgingly accepted it.

**I hear a voice say "Don't be so blind"**

"Listen Snape, and listen well! You can run around, pretending like he gives A DAMN about you, but he doesn't. You're just his latest charity case. I've figured out more of his secrets than he'll EVER tell you. Now sod off back to your dungeon, before I break my promise to him and…"

"And what Black? Hex me? Hit me? He's supposed to be with you tonight, but I saw him leave the school. WHERE IS HE? If you lot are putting him in danger, I'll make you wish…"

**It's telling me all these things **

"You want to know where he is so bad, 'Sev'? Go ahead and follow him! Poke the knot in the Whomping Willow, and have a great evening!"

**That you would probably hide**

"Mr. Snape, it is of the utmost importance that no one learns what you have seen tonight. Do I make myself clear?"

Blue eyes met black.

"Crystal."

**Am I your one and only desire?**

"Why did Black know? Of all people? Why does he ALWAYS know EVERYTHING about you?"

**Am I the reason you breathe**

"Do I even mean anything to you?"

"Severus, you know you do… I just didn't..."

**Or am I the reason you cry?**

"Severus please! Don't do this!"

"Just… Stop Remus! Stop everything!"

**Always, always, always**

**Always, always, always**

**I just can't live without you**

**I love you, **

Remus

**I hate you**

Werewolf

**I can't get around you**

**I breathe you, I taste you**

And for the rest of Severus' time in school, all he could see, or hear, or live at Hogwarts…

**I can't live without you**

Was Remus…

**I just can't take anymore**

**This life of solitude**

"Remus, I can't spend all my time imagining what you're doing when you aren't around me. Especially with Black."

**I guess that I'm out the door**

**And now I'm done with you**

"Don't talk to me like we're friends anymore, because we aren't." Severus turned to leave, but whispered loud enough for Remus to hear, "We aren't anything."


	3. 1981

**Authors Note and Disclaimer: Not mine. Just messing around with them. Please let me know what you think. I'm still really really insecure about Severus.**

1981

Remus' and Severus' class had graduated in 1978, and despite warnings from both sides, they had resumed their previous relationship, albeit quietly at first. Luckily, Voldemort was intent on gaining werewolf spies, and when he learned that Remus Lupin was one such werewolf, Severus was encouraged to pursue his 'friendship' with the other man.

They happily continued their tradition of not prying into each others lives more than was necessary, if for no other reason than because they were both so busy with their own business.

It seemed to Remus that after ringing in the New Year in 1981, Severus had become distracted. As the year progressed, they both were feeling it more and more, until…

**I feel like you don't want me around**

Severus had disappeared… Again. And Remus was not impressed. He was 21 years old, and needed to have some sort of confirmation, if not a commitment (which he was in no way expecting anyway).

**I guess I'll pack all my things**

Remus had collected all of his belongings from Severus' flat, and was making his way toward the doorway with his numerous bags.

**I guess I'll see you around**

He had paused for a moment in front of a photograph of Severus before continuing his path to the door, when the man in question walked in.

**It's all been bottled up until now**

"Remus! I'm glad you're…", Severus began, but he was cut off by an extremely frustrated Remus.

"Don't! Just don't say anything! It isn't working. Maybe I'm distracted, or maybe you're pulling away, but I'm always alone, even when you're here, and I can't take that anymore."

**As I walk out your door**

Severus grabbed Remus' arm as he grabbed the doorknob.

"Why?" was all he could ask.

**All I can hear is the sound of**

**Always, always, always**

**Always, always, always**

**I just can't live without you**

**I love you, **

Severus.

**I hate you**

Death Eater.

**I can't get around you**

**I breathe you, I taste you**

Remus answered. "Because I love you so much. Yes, there it is. I. Love. You. And you can't… You can't! Love me back. You're so filled with hate now, and mistrust, and lies."

**I can't live without you**

"Severus…"

**I just can't take anymore**

**This life of solitude**

"We started out sufficiently apart. Our relationship has remained a secret. But this drifting… This separation… I can't accept it."

**I guess that I'm out the door**

**And now I'm done with you**

"Goodbye Severus."


	4. 1993

Disclaimer: Always belongs to Saliva, all the characters belong to JKR. I just like to hijack and play. :)

1993

It had been twelve years since Remus Lupin's world had fallen apart. He had left his longtime, on-and-off partner, his three best friends had been brutally murdered, with his fourth best friend being the reason for it, and his 'nephew' of sorts had been torn out of his life.

Albus Dumbledore had, as per usual, given Remus a goal for the next year at the least, in hiring him as Hogwarts' Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. The only downside to this arrangement was that Remus would be forced to come face to face with the aforementioned longtime, on-and-off partner, Severus Snape.

**I left my head around your heart**

The two men had their first and only open conversation early on in Remus' stint at the school, when they had encountered each other while patrolling the corridors after dark. After muttering the cursory "Good evening Severus.", Remus was surprised to hear the other man answer him.

"You were right Remus."

"I'm sorry?"

"You were right, years ago. I let myself… become something terrible. Filled with hate, and mistrust, and lies. I can't apologize. But… I am trying to… to trust you, Remus. Even about Black."

With that, Severus left a shocked Remus to ponder the meaning of those words.

1994

**Why would you tear my world apart?**

He could not believe it. Severus Snape could not believe it. He had managed to catch Sirius Black, the one living person he truly, mercilessly hated above all others, and he, Sirius, had escaped.

And what was worse, Remus, who Severus had grown to trust in spite of everything, had turned against him at the last, and sided with Black. Allowed Black to escape. Destroying any chance at justice that Severus had had.

And yet, after all these years, Severus Snape was still surprised at how much that betrayal hurt.

**Always, always, always, always**

A/N: One more chapter to go, let me know what you think of it. :)


	5. 1997

**Disclaimer: All the characters, and a few quotes, belong to JK Rowling. The song used is Always by Saliva. Used for fun, not for profit!**

JUNE 1997

"Ron – Dumbledore's dead," said Ginny.

"No!" Remus cried, looking from Ginny to Harry, in the hopes that the boy might correct her. Realizing this as a futile hope, Remus fell into a chair, covering his face with his hands, feeling as though he was going to vomit.

"And then Snape – and Snape did it. The Avada Kedavra."

Remus felt the blood drain from his face, numbness spreading through him, from inside out. Not anger, as he would have expected, nor hurt, simply numbness, as if he knew it was coming all along.

The anger followed swiftly, with the feeling of personal betrayal that accompanied every terrible act committed by Severus. Then, Remus grew terribly tired, and could hardly process what he was saying, even when Tonks began badgering him about their relationship again.

_Only now_, thought Remus, when he had broken away from the group and had made his way down to Severus' office, _there is no real reason to say no, is there?_

**I see the blood all over your hands**

Remus ran his hands over Severus' abandoned desk, and imagined what would have been going through the other man's mind.

"_I don't think he knew they were there before Filius told him, I don't think he knew they were coming."_

**Does it make you feel more like a man?**

Was this Severus' revenge, on Remus, on everyone?

**Was it all just a part of your plan?**

Was this what he had been waiting for all these years? Since Voldemort came back? Since they were students?

**The pistol's shakin' in my hands**

Remus had picked up a jar filled with an unpleasant substance, and was squeezing it with all his might, when he heard the door open.

"Professor Lupin?" It was Hermione Granger. "Are you alright?"

**And all I hear is the sound**

He threw the jar, revelling in the sound of the glass shattering, surprised by the sound of his own laughter as the jar hit the wall.

**I love you, **

Remus

**I hate you**

Werewolf

**I can't get around you**

**I breathe you, I taste you**

And for the rest of Severus' time in school, all he could see, or hear, or live at Hogwarts…

**I can't live without you**

Was Remus…

**I just can't take anymore**

**This life of solitude**

"We started out sufficiently apart. Our relationship has remained a secret. But this drifting… This separation… I can't accept it."

**I guess that I'm out the door**

**And now I'm done with you**

"Goodbye Severus."

**I love you, I hate you**

**I can't live without you**

Remus had collapsed onto the floor, while Hermione inched closer, finally resting her hand on his shoulder.

**I love you, I hate you**

**I can't live without you**

**I just can't take anymore**

**This life of solitude**

Remus shook his head, and pressed his eyelids closed. Years of memories flitted in front of his eyes…

**I ****pick myself off the floor **

**And now I'm done with you**

He stood up, waved his wand to clean the mess, and left the room, with Hermione in tow.

He would bottle those memories, and hide them, and never look at them again.

**Always, always, always **

XXXXX

**A/N**: So this is the first multi-chapter fic that I've actually finished. This last chapter was really difficult, because I didn't want it to seem corny, but I also wanted to convey the depth of emotion involved in this odd sort of relationship. Please let me know what you think, and thanks for reading! :)


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